INTERVIEW WITH DOTTY SELMECZKI

Dotty is one of the co-founders of Operation Mom, a Military Family Support Group that mails packages of useful items (food, razors, soaps, etc) to the troops. Dotty's son, �R�is 26 and a Marine based in Camp Lejeune, NC. JR was in Iraq from January through June, 2003. He'll return to Iraq in a few months.

Dotty: Soon after 9/11, JR announced he would join Marines. I was surprised. I'm one of those mothers who swore I'd do whatever was necessary so that no son of mine would fight in a war. I soon realized that, no matter what I said, there wasn't much I could do; my son was determined to join.

I asked JR, "Why? And why the Marines?"

He responded: �ecause of what� happened. I want the opportunity to help my country;  I want to grow as a man and take these opportunities; I want to see action; and I want to be amongst the best. The Marines offers me that. My goal is Force Recon�(the elite corps of the Marines).

My father, JR� grandfather, fought in a war. He never speaks about those experiences.
And he had tears in this eyes when he heard JR� plan. He said, ��e been to war. I�e seen it. I don� want JR to see it.�br>
Nevertheless, JR joined, went to boot camp in San Diego, trained for a year and was in the Middle East in January, 2003, before the bombing began in March. He was involved in exhuming the graves of American POW� killed and buried behind the hospital where Jessica Lynch was rescued. Of that he said he�l never forget that smell as long as he lives. He departed Iraq with the first wave of Marines in June, 2003.

The hard thing for me, at first, was the lag in communications. I didn� hear from him for at least a month after he left the states. Then I got a phone call. The lines for phone calls are long; sometimes the soldiers wait for 2 to 3 hours.

I was very worried about his state of mind after his experiences. JR seemed in great shape when he got back. Perhaps it was because he didn� see the death and destruction. That is one of the things that scares me the most for my son, for all the soldiers. They�e having experiences that they can� share with people that haven� been there. It is isolating for them too. I think about all the talent in those soldiers, the ideals, the willingness to take this on �you�e got to admire themthey�e all volunteers! �and I can� help but wonder what they could have done for their country in civilian life. Will those talents be wasted in war? Wasted in the sense that some of them will not come home, some may come home physically, emotionally, and/or psychologically damaged. I must say that the today� military seems better equipped to deal with these issues than they were in for the Vietnam war, there� a better support system now, but still.

I� a single parent and I don� have someone I can talk to about my worries and fears. Its very hard. At first my daughter didn� understand. She understands more now, that, in Operation Mom I find a group of women, total strangers, who have kids in the military. It� been the best thing for me. There� a common thread amongst us: we all feel the same thing. Sometimes, not even knowing I� feeling the same thing, I find the other women who feel the same way. For me, that was salvation and a validation; knowing that the tears that come out of nowhere, at odd times, are �ormal.�Its weird, I can be driving along, hear something on the radio or CD, and I�l start bawlingout of nowhere! I think it� the anxiety, the living in constant fear.

At first, I didn� want to go home at night; I was fearful that someone in uniform would be standing on my doorstep with bad news. I hated watching the news on TV, seeing another death reported. It helped when a soldier told me, �f you hear it on the news, then its not your child.�I understand that the family is told of a death within the first 24 hours, before any names are shared on the news. I think someone comes to your door, along with a chaplain so that, if you live alone, you�e not all by yourself. I wonder how people live through that kind of news. One of the moms told me, �hen you hear bad news for someone else, first you�e so relieved that its not your child, then you feel so guilty that its someone else� child.�It� a vicious cycle.

I think: what�l happen if he gets killed? How will I act? Who will I be? Will I still be sane? How will I continue with my other family responsibilities, and my job? Will I be able to go on? Its harder for those of us who are alone because all we�e got is ourselves. We have friends but friends only come around for so long. Plus, your friends don� want to hear about this all the time. When the war started, I couldn� deal with the petty stuff at work, like broken fingernails and so on; I was so impatient with that nonsense. And that line, �h, everything is going to be fine, don� worry, it�l be fine.� It drives me up the wall. What I love about Operation Mom is that I� with people who understand. If I sit down and cry they know what its about and they understand. The day war started I cried all day, even longer, for forty hours or more. The thing that� hard now is hearing about the families whose kids suffered over there and are now preparing to return. Those kids really don� want to go back but they have to. Its horrible.

I wonder if this is ever going to end. The way its going I don� think it ever will. Will this be a world at war? When I ask this question people say, �h, no, nothing happened for years.�I remind them that this has been going on for years: embassies have been bombed, the USS Cole was bombed, the Trade Center was bombed. Now, suddenly, after 9/11, people are saying, �ey, wait a minute.�My view is that this has been going on for a long time and only now, after 9/11, are we paying attention. Now, I wonder, will it ever end?